First a Shad mix
And then I'll put the discussion under a break because that's the Professional Thing to do, plus I guess if you haven't finished Dead Inside yet this is spoilers
This goes with ASAS ch71 by the way
(and also touches on Shad being Bound to Sora, which is another scrapped idea)
I went and put labels on this thing because it's so frikken long I'm sorry
things this covers (ctrl+f 'em)
- Shad Loves Kairi
- Shad changing because of Sora
- Shad's Bound to Sora
- Final Thoughts
Shad Loves Kairi
Shad loving Kairi was an idea that was around since........ basically his creation. I'd initially intended him to fall for Kairi, and his later change of heart was, because, he loved her. Her light had tainted him. etc.
That's no secret
In fact, it was so blatantly obvious that I had quite a few people point out "oh he's changing because of Kairi" and it,,,, It really turned me off from the idea which I know is dumb bUT it happened
Also thinking about it in depth made me realize that Villain Falling for Hero's Girl (and thus having a Change of Heart) isn't even a new thing and that turned me off from it too. I know you can rarely be truly original buuuuuuuut the point still stands I was turned off from ShadKai pretty quickly
(I mean tbh it was probably a combination of interaction with Kairi + Sora that inevitably changed Shad but that is besides the point)
ASAS ch71, as the chapter says, is the original draft of Shad's death, which comes about because he's sick of loving Kairi, sick with the idea that he is light stained, etc. Admittedly I'm not too sure if the term "light stained" comes up in there (nor does it come up in c229/231 of Dead Inside) but that is an underlying motive for his death.
I won't get into the differences between ASAS ch71 and DI ch229/231 because honestly the only difference between the two is Shad's motives for death, his reasons for wanting to die, who his love is directed at. Little else changes.
About SoShad/Shad changing because of Sora
SoShad is...... I'm not even sure how it came about, entirely. I'm assuming it happened because I based Colin and Cole (two Notafic characters) loosely on Sora/Shad's relationship, and then Colin/Cole kinda became a thing, and I guess it bled back into SoShad.... Probably.
Also I was drawing a lot of inspiration for Shad from Stupid Mario Brothers character The Darkness aka Shadow Mario. By the end of Stupid Mario Bros, the Darkness has a change of heart, a change of sides, because Mario's essence within him is changing him from the inside out.
I thought that was a really neat idea, and wanted to use it for Shad.
Not that I necessarily went with it in the end, of course. Though, if you wanted a reason why Shad's attitude changed, I probably wouldn't hesitate to tell you that Sora, and his relationship to Sora, tainted him with light. (And there's no reason to say his relationship with Kairi didn't contribute to the light tainting, too.)
There's no reason him loving Sora needs to be the only reason he chose to die. There's no reason to say him being light-stained didn't contribute.
See, once I'd been turned off from the idea of ShadKai, the idea of SoShad really appealed to me. I thought it was different, and new (name me a time the villain falls for the hero, I dare you), and I thought it was hilarious.
I love the idea of Shad getting butterflies over Sora I love him looking at Sora and thinking "damn you're beautiful" or the idea of him sniffing Sora's bedsheets because he missed Sora or him just getting flustered about Sora in general.
Also there was a thought of Sora being unconscious and Shad ends up straddled over him for reasons with their foreheads touching and Sora wakes up and Shad jumps twenty feet in the air "NOTHING I WAS DOING NOTHING" "why do you look guilty??" "I WAS DOING NOTHING"
I love it
I love SoShad interaction in general not even as a ship and Shad loving Sora (and trying to deny it and trying to hide it) just added this whole new layer that I fell in love with
I fell in love with SoShad
And I felt like I was cheating myself by not putting it in the story--I'd put in so many other ideas I loved, so why should be this the exception?
So I did put it in the story, and I don't regret it. I'm much much happier this way, because though Dead Inside has it's faults, at least I put my favorite part in it. At least I put Shad loving Sora in it.
(I don't even want to think about how much I would've regretted not putting it in.)
AND EVEN IF I DIDN'T PUT SHAD LOVING SORA IN DEAD INSIDE
He still would've changed because of Sora, and not because of Kairi
I was going to say "if he didn't fall for Sora I probably would've gone the him-asking-to-die-because-he-loved-Kairi route" but that is wrong. I wouldn't have gone that route.
Shad still would've changed because of Sora. Once that idea was in my hands, I wasn't ever going to let go of it.
Shad's Bound to Sora
Shad being Bound to Sora was the inbetween I came up with, the cop out. (Shad's Binding to Sora was also inspired by Colin/Cole and notafic things, along with the Shadow Courts).
See, Shad being Bound to Sora is an idea that actually is touched on in Part 2 of Dead Inside, chapters 173 and 189 specifically.
(He'd have been Bound to Sora like his wolf is Bound to him, if you needed that clarification.)
It was a cop out I was setting up so I wouldn't need to go the Shad-loves-Sora route
A fall back I had, because I expected to chicken out of canonically saying that Shad loved Sora
It wasn't even that I didn't like the idea of Shad loving Sora--I loved it the moment I thought about it
I just thought I was gonna get a lot of negativity for it
I thought people were gonna hate it
So I decided "nah, I won't have Shad fall head over heels in love with Sora. He'll be Bound to Sora instead"
The Binding would've made it so Sora's disapproval in Shad would literally cripple him (ch179), along with compel him to keep Sora safe.
The fact that Sora's disapproval of him meant anything to him infuriated him, and it being a constant in his life would've driven him nuts.
Being compelled to keep Sora safe, being compelled not to harm Sora, would've chafed against his purpose.
If he was Bound to Sora, he wouldn't be able to hurt Sora, wouldn't be able to drag Sora into darkness. A life without that, without that purpose, terrified him. If he couldn't drag Sora into darkness, what else was he supposed to do? A Shadow without purpose isn't tame. A Shadow without purpose is lost.
He wouldn't have been able to live like that, anymore.
Wouldn’t be able to live with his new Binding chafing against his
purpose. Wouldn't be able to bear the thought of being without a purpose.
And that fear, along with disgust in himself for not being able to carry through with his purpose and being lowered to doing Sora's bidding (that's what a Binding calls for) would've driven him nuts and he would've asked to die, etc.
"Gee that sounds kinda similar to the Shad-loves-Sora route"
Yes! It does, and that's why it made a good fall back.
The difference lies in the fact that since Shad loves Sora, it's not that he's compelled (against his will) to protect Sora, and bring no harm to Sora. It's that he wants to keep Sora safe, he wants Sora to be happy, he doesn't want Sora to hurt, doesn't want anything bad to happen to Sora, hates himself for wishing harm on Sora, for having hurt Sora in the past.
He hates himself for hurting Sora. Hates himself for caring. Hates himself for loving Sora, because it's just as disgusting.
He couldn’t bear loving Sora. Couldn’t live in the constant
war of hating himself. Couldn’t live, knowing that one day, he may have to hurt
Sora again. He may have had to try again, to drag Sora into darkness, because a
Shadow’s instincts are strong.
That was thought he couldn’t stand worse than the rest.
Either way, he'd end up dead.
"Hey, but wait a minute, how are you explaining the in-story instances of Shad's wolf implying Shad was Bound to Sora, along with Shad's fear he might be?"
Simply, actually!
The wolf isn't exactly a reliable source of information. His "And who are you Bound to?" is biting and meant as an insult to throw Shad off guard to make him angry. He doesn't say it because he means it or think it's true, he says it because he's trying to get a rise out of Shad.
Shad fearing he's Bound to Sora is only a fear. He feared he might be, and then discovered that the position he was in was much worse. He wasn't Bound to Sora. He loved Sora. By the time he realized that, he probably thought something like "gee I would've rathered being Bound this SUCKS"
Final Thoughts
I suppose these aren't really necessary, but I just wanted to say I think I figured out why I was so so terribly happy to see positive (or not strictly negative) reviews on ch231, the final chapter of the SoShad battle, the chapter in which Shad's love for Sora was revealed.
Shad loving Sora wasn't a spur of the moment thing "OH LET'S GO THIS WAY INSTEAD" it was something I had bubbling for a year, something I was slowly falling in love with, but thought people would hate me for. It was something I kept constantly going "OH BUT WHAT IF THIS WAS A THING people would hate it BUT IT'S SO COOL but it's fucked up people won't like it BUT I LOVE!! SOSHAD!! SO MUCH!!!! and other people hate Soshad uuughfhhff" with
I'd had myself convinced people would hate SoShad, and so I was scared to put it in
Making the decision to put the real reason (not even the alternate reason I preferred—Shad loving Sora was canon, the only thing that was up in the air was whether or not I’d tell you readers it was) into Dead Inside wasn't easy, and I honestly nearly chickened out of it in the middle of writing those final SoShad chapters.
I thought people were gonna hate me for it
I cried when I realized no one did
And I dunno if this all adequately expresses how much it means to me or not, but I hope it does, and I cannot thank those of you who left kind reviews on ch231 enough. Shad loving Sora has always meant a lot to me. I am so so so so so happy I decided to put it in, and so so so happy for the positive feedback I've gotten on it.
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