Ch129 - Old Pains and New Nightmares

(Sorry for the lack of video again, I keep forgetting and this doesn't feel like a post that could use a video)

For starters, am very proud of Riku for letting me put him through this. Give him a round of applause and a big hug while you're at it. He deserves them both. (Though he probably won't much appreciate the hugs...)

This entire chapter was a pain to-- well, take that back. The second half of the chapter was a pain to write. I didn't have as much trouble with the first half (before Namine showed up) but I wrote almost all of that beforehand and just edited it to fix continuity and flow and stuff. Stuff. Stuff stuff.

*glances through notes*

I have a lot of notes on this chapter.

I'm going to give you guys all the notes that I wrote originally while writing the chapter first, and then I'll sort through the rant I typed up after writing the chapter.

So I realized while writing this (according to my notes, anyway) that Dead Inside has a lot of "war within oneself" stuff going on. Riku's struggling with breaking out of the habits and thoughts and actions that he grew so used to during his short life in the other universe. Sora's struggling with his darkness, which I don't think I have to go into when it comes to defining "war within oneself". Shad's torn between his existence and what he wants to do with his life. There's probably more.

Oh yeah, I could do a Namiku blog about now if I wanted to, huh? Hrm... how many of you desperately want one?

I kept debating about if I was going to swap over to Namine's POV or not. I never did.

Speaking of Namiku, I made this comment in my notes:
"This is weird. We're crossing into... actual relationship stuff with Riku and Namine. I mean, we haven't completely entered the realm, but this is certainly more more than it usually is. Not that it's not allowed or anything; we've just hit a point where I can stop yelling at them every five minutes for acting like their together. Not that they're together, but-- it's just weird that I don't have to yell at them so much. Most of the stuff Namine did in this chapter (and throughout this sequence, really) is stuff I wouldn't have allowed a while ago."

Also, if you haven't noticed, when I'm writing from Riku's POV, I hardly specify it's him, I just use the pronoun "he". I'm almost positive it's a habit I slipped into back during the Truth Hurts and have never bothered breaking.
Though, now that I think about it, it might not just be Riku... I do that with Shad, too, but that's because typing out "Sora's Shadow" each time is a pain, and I don't plan on calling him Shad in-story. Maybe if we get to a point where, say, Kairi needs a name for him, but to Sora he's just "my Shadow" (I'll use "his Shadow" when writing) and Shad doesn't think of himself with a name. He thinks of himself with a title. (if we drag this into my headcanon, he's not the only one of his... race? Are they a race? I forget. But he's not the only one that does that. It probably has something to do with how their names work...) And I try and use names for people that whatever character's POV I'm in would use. Like magik's Riku, to my Riku, is "Real Thing" and magik's Namine, to Shad, is "the Memory Witch".
You get the point. I'll move on.

"Maltreated". Big word, huh? Or, at least, not one you see frequently. Maybe I should try and include one not frequently used word in each chapter...
(If I do, I'll have to try harder...)

This didn't come up in the chapter, I changed the wording, but when Riku was listing why he hasn't told anyone about this, when he listed Joseph, he originally said "Joseph's just a kid, I couldn't mention all this" and I thought: "Kid? He's only three years younger than you!"
Of course, I went and changed it to whatever it is now, probably because I realized that even if Joseph's just a "kid", he's pretty well aware of crap like this.

OH! And then, at the end of the chapter, there was this thing that I had to change, and I liked the original SO much better than what made it into the chapter, but there were continuity issues.

But when Namine originally pulled Riku into a hug at the end there, it went something like this:

     He shifted, uncomfortably. He was shaking slightly. Hesitantly, she wrapped her arms around him, hoping that it would comfort him. She didn’t expect him to break down into sobs, though. He hadn’t been expecting to, and was thoroughly embarrassed over the fact later. Namine held him closer, trying to calm him down.

Which I love that so much more, but I couldn't keep it because Riku was well aware of the fact that he was holding back sobs, so... it just didn't work. I still love it more.

I'll have to get original drafts posted of this sequence -- the original meeting with Q, and the full original ending to this chapter, along with an original draft of the next chapter.

Now...

...

Onto the big rant I typed about this chapter.

I'll restate how proud I am of Riku for allowing me to put him through this. He fought back the entire time, hated every second of it, but he did let me make him talk about it.

Because, even if it's not clear in the chapter, he did not want to talk about this.

I only made him because I don't have enough time to let him put it off for another who knows how many chapters. This sequence was intended to end with him talking about this. I mean, I'm guess I could've put it off and had Namine ask about it later, but... too late now.

Sorry Riku.


Now, I have to admit, I'm really not satisfied with this chapter. I don't feel like I accurately portrayed just how hard it was for Riku to talk about this. I look at it and the first thing I think is "it was way to easy for Namine to get this out of him". I mean, I know that some of it is because he doesn't want Namine hurting, and admitting his own hurt would help stop that (at least, that's what he thinks). And then some of it is that he got himself talking about it and he couldn't stop. And there's also the fact that he wants relief from the nightmares and pain, and Namine can give him that--

I guess those are all reason enough for him to talk about it, but I still look at it and it doesn't feel right...

Maybe it's just cause it took me much longer to write than it did for him to talk about it in-story.

Or, at least, I think it took me forever to write. I'm not sure about an exact time or anything, but I remember having to stop about every five minutes to keep myself from crying because this hurt to write.
I mean, I try to listen to music that fits the tone of what I'm writing when I write, but this time was an exception because it just hurt too much. RED is a band I typically go to for scenes like these, but I found out after the first night that it just wasn't working. I was spending much more time crying than actually writing, and if you've listened to some of RED's songs ("Nothing and Everything" comes to mind) you'll understand why.
I've mentioned that listening to RED while Kairi was ranting (the "YELLING" sequence) was painful, and that's with Kairi. Kairi isn't a character I'm very "in touch" with. Riku is a character I've been writing for for two years, and after all this time I've formed a sort of emotional bond with him. Don't give me that look. It's true. I realize that most people think that a writer experiencing/channeling a character's emotions is just plain weird because the character isn't real but-- there have been times where Riku's dropped a buttload of OSIDFJSOFIJSFOJDSF on me and I've been reduced to tears because it just hurts.

Okay.

Now that I got that out.

I think I'll say, again, just how proud I am of Riku. It was really hard to get him to talk about this, as I've already said. I know he needed to talk about it eventually, because he needed to get this off his chest. But this isn't something you really talk about... Not easily, anyway. It's not easy to admit that you've been hurt, especially to someone you love, and it's certainly not something you admit to someone you don't trust.

And, let's face it, Riku doesn't really have anyone he can trust in his life.

...

That statement hurt to write.

But it's true. He's got all of... what? Four friends? Sora, Kairi, Namine, and Joseph to an extent. He's relatively close friends with Sora and Kairi, but he and Kairi have always had a gap between them, and after Sora fell into darkness... well...
Joseph's more like the annoying little brother Riku never wanted, and I'm pretty sure it is the age gap that's kept Riku from talking much with Joseph.

Really, I'm only pointing this all out because I want to say that he trusted Namine enough to tell her. There.

(Though, the only other people that are in his life are Replicas of Marluxia and Vexen, neither of whom he will ever completely trust.)

Erm...

I'm out of things to say.

Go listen to "Not Alone" by RED.